Love is Suffering and what I’m Learning about Relationships

Reflections on True Love for Valentine’s Day

My wife Grace and I have been married for 21 years. As comedian Nate Bargatze says about his marriage, “things are getting pretty serious.” Dating, marrying and raising a family with Grace has been such a great adventure in this life. We have been best friends and had some incredible seasons of joy and some incredible seasons of challenges. This woman still leaves me speechless (a tough feat) with her beauty and fills my world with laughter and sparkles. We recently sat down on our Sonrise Pastor’s Podcast to share about dating, finding the right person, love and marriage. But for this Valentine’s day I want to share what is the biggest lesson I’ve been learning about marriage.

When I asked Grace what is the biggest thing she’s learned about love in marriage, it’s that you have to put the other spouse and their needs above yourself. She said that married love is about selflessness and not selfishness. It’s so true and something that is a continual challenge and opportunity for me in marriage. It’s a challenge because it’s not easy to die to self but it’s simple. It’s an opportunity because it’s liberating to serve and prefer the other once you get over yourself.

The biggest lesson that I’ve been learning about love is that love is first suffering. I know, “how romantic” to bring up suffering on Valentine’s day. The greatest passage on love in the Bible is considered by many to be 1 Corinthians 13. Paul gives us the most thorough definition and exposition of what love really is from a Christian perspective. In verse 4, when Paul begins to get into the definition of love he tells us that “Love is patient (NIV).” Other translations like the NKJV say that “Love suffers long.” In the Greek language, lists often signify an order of importance. So before love is anything, it is patient or suffering long.

Is love really about suffering? From the wisdom of the classic The Princess Bride, young Wesley tells Princess Buttercup, "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” We will all experience pain in our lives and relationships. What we do with pain in relationships in many ways determines if we are choosing love or not.

Lately I’ve enjoyed the powerful romantic but heartbreaking music of Vincent Lima who explores love through some of the ancient myths in his new album To Love a Thing that Fades. One of his tracks “The Fire” probably does the best description and most poetic reflection I’ve ever heard about a woman wanting a man to sit with her in her pain and suffering and not try and rescue her. One line in the song says, “Love isn’t rescue, it’s someone to lose.” Where I am thankful that God rescues humanity in His love. In human marriage and romantic love, we can’t rescue one another in some sense, we can only be patient with one another in our pain and allow healing to come through our presence with the other.

Love is not about getting our way or always feeling good. How many relationships end because we aren’t willing to suffer long? Pain drives a lot of our decisions, but love stays connected with the other in the pain. Love plays the long game. Love is a covenant. My Dad would often tell me growing up, “marriage is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person.” And it’s also the same thing for my spouse.

This is not to say that love is always awful. Love not only suffers long, but it also rejoices, hopes, endures and never fails! Christian love in the teaching of Jesus and the New Testament authors revolutionized romantic love between husbands and wives. Love is amazing and it’s worth every struggle and challenge.

Love that goes the long haul has unexpected seasons. We’ve experienced highs like I never imagined and trials that seemed impossible. That’s why marriage is based on a covenant with God and one another. Our vows continue to mean something that we took on our wedding day because we don’t know what the future holds. You can’t choose a partner that makes you immune from suffering. But choose wisely so that you choose someone who will stick with you in the pain.

Maybe this seems a little heavy for Valentine’s day but we only celebrate Valentine’s day because St. Valentine was willing to suffer to the death for His commitment to the gospel of Jesus Christ and the ministry of performing marriages for Christian couples. I hope you married couples enjoy a romantic and blissful day. I’m enjoying this season of my marriage with my best friend and wife. I know we both keep growing by prioritizing love through patience with one another.